I should know that making a grandiose plan and expecting it to stay on track rarely happens. In this case, I had an outlook for this blog. As it tends to do, life stepped in my way. I was feeling drastically defeated, even suicidal, this past week. Events compounding, as if the world I live in was conspiring against me. I spent days feeling sorry for myself. The hope that someone would unexpectedly step in to help me lingered in my thoughts. Now that I've gotten past my pity party, I need to take action. Marking my thoughts with these words, I hope this blog acts as a kickstart to the next phase of my life.
I realize that I am the only person that can actually change things. I've made plenty of bad choices that illustrate that. Accepting negative outcomes from my actions has been difficult. Second guessing after the fact does nothing but create resentment within my own being. It's no fun to argue with yourself, so here I am. This isn't meant as a complaint. I also realize others have much worse problems. Of which I'm sympathetic to, as I speak about my own.
I'm a 40-year-old, Caucasian, American man. I've failed this far in a world set-up for my prosperity. Saying that doesn't mean I'm in agreement with the way this world operates. I actually believe it's incredibly cruel, and needs to be changed. It could be the standards of society putting pressure on me to succeed that ultimately lead me to fail. Possibly, my upbringing giving me a false sense of safety and security. Whichever outside factor I examine when seeking answers for an unsatisfactory life remains just that. A factor. I am the common denominator.
In the past week, I've had downfalls. One after another. Day after day. I did not handle them well as they piled on top of one another. Bills were paid, but always paycheck to paycheck. The only vehicle my girlfriend and I have broke down. I paid to have it fixed, choosing to neglect a few bills. I didn't change any extracurricular activities. Our vehicle broke again. More income dispersed to make necessary repairs. These repairs didn't work. The vehicle had to be towed to the dealership we purchased it from. They would have possession for up to one month.
I rented a moving van, simply to drive, for a week. The following week, I rented a car. These rentals ensured I could continue working, as I have a 40-mile commute. I couldn't fund a third rental and had no choice but to call off from work. I've missed five days at the time I'm writing this. There is a chance my job can still be saved, although it isn't likely.
I didn't ask for help from friends or family. Instead, I stole prescription drugs from my significant other. Knowing she would find out and be outraged, I did this regardless. I was seeking short-term comfort for a long-term problem. This isn't the first time I've done it. I'm not proud of my actions. All it did was make things worse. I felt great while I was drugged up. My problems didn't go away. They, infact, worsened.
Almost an entire week was wasted from my poor choice. I couldn't bring myself to terms with what I had done. I must now admit and accept my part. This situation I've put my small family in is my fault. I acted childish throughout and don't deserve pity. I'm extremely lucky to still be with my girlfriend. Honestly, she should have kicked me to the curb.
Today was the first day I could bring myself to begin building back. I'm starting with this blog post. If for no other reason than to simply get my thoughts flowing positively. I'm not a big believer in fate, or destiny. I don't believe this, or any other hardship, was predetermined by any entity pulling the strings, so to speak. I do, however, take this as a learning experience. Next time I want to reach for a substance to numb the pain, I hope to instead reflect on what I've written. Giving myself an opportunity to take the right step.
Addiction is something I believe can never fully be understood. It manifests differently in each person affected by its grasp. That's why it's hard for me to call it a disease. We all have the ability to choose to shut addiction down. That's not possible with a traditional disease.
I remain grateful for my life, and accept its downfalls lie on my shoulders to fix. Improvement won't happen with a snap of the fingers. It can be achieved through hard work and being honest with yourself. Please take care. I will try my best to do the same.